Have a Positive Loving Relationship
“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”— Kahil Gibran
Being in a positive loving relationship is something most of us dream of. Having that special person to share your life with is indeed a gift. My parents were together 65 years, they had rough times, they had good times, they were dedicated to each other and their family and even in the worst of times, they found ways to make everything work.
I have never seen two people who loved each other so much. They loved their walks, their garden, their family dinners, they didn’t live to work, they worked to live. They had lovely shared values and dreams and as both individuals and as a couple, they were friendly, kind, loving, and thoughtful. I could regale you endlessly with stories about Mom and Dad that make me smile, but I won’t, I will instead share with you some of the things that make a good relationship great and a perhaps a few tips on how to have the relationship you have always dreamed about.
Choosing the right partner is no small feat. How many times have you seen a couple and said, “They are good, just not for each other”? On the other hand, there are couples that appear made for each other, a match made in heaven. The heart wants what the heart wants…but what if what your heart wants is not good for you? What if you are making choices based on the wrong things. What if you choose someone that does not share your values or your dreams?
You must know each other. Knowing each other includes accepting who each of you are, the good, the bad, the wonderful, and the not-so-wonderful. If you feel you don’t know your beloved well enough, you probably don’t.
Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships. Know your partner’s attitudes about life and love. Know your own needs, values, and goals. Speak up for yourself and be honest with your partner. Do not hide who you are and do not try to fit your beliefs to the beliefs of your partner.
You should have tolerance for your differences but not too much tolerance. If your mate does something that irritates you in the early stages of your relationship, it is hardly going to become more charming later on. You might laugh about his addiction to his I-Phone now, but when you are sitting across the table with nothing to say now and he is inhaling his food while chatting on Facebook on a regular basis, you may regret you ever met.
You should have shared values and goals. This is important. If your values are not the same, if your interests are so divergent you have little in common, if your goals in life or for your relationship are not the same, your relationship is doomed.
You should like each other’s family and friends. You are not just marrying one person, you are entering into relationships with another person’s family, with their friends, and if they don’t like your partner or your partner doesn’t like them, it is going to be a long road to hoe.
Trust is a key element of any relationship and even more important if you are considering a long-term commitment. If you or your partner has trust issues, they need to be addressed and resolved. Trust is not simply a matter of trusting that the person will not cheat on you. It goes a lot deeper, you have to trust that your partner will not throw things in your face, that they will not criticize or condemn and that they will support and encourage you.
You must be able to rely on each other in good times and in bad. You should be able to rely on your partner to listen to you if you have had a bad day, call if they are going to be late, follow through on plans, be the person they have told you they are. You have to know that they will try their best to be the best they can be.
No one is perfect, and our quirks and imperfections make us who we are. Understanding one another, appreciating one another, communicating with one another can make all the difference between a good and a bad relationship.
If your partner can make you laugh, if the thought of being with your partner makes you smile, you have been given a gift. Laughing with each other is a great indication of a good relationship. If you are in line with each other, if you know each other, trust each other, and can rely on one another, a life-time partnership or marriage might be in the stars for you.
“Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.” — Lao Tzu
Ask yourself the following questions about your partner. Do they:
- Exhibit signs of extreme possessiveness
- Get jealous easily
- Fail to encourage and motivate you
- Have views on politics, family, religion, or society that you find extreme
- Compare you to previous partners
- Think the world revolves around them
- Lie, cheat or steal
- Never admit to being wrong
- Have an uncontrollable temper
- Have an inflated view of themselves
- Criticize your appearance
- Criticize your family and friends
- Criticize your lifestyle
- Lack motivation or ambition
- Have difficulty with their own family
- Verbally, physically, or emotionally abuse you
- Make promises and commitments they don’t keep
Having a long-lasting intimate relationship takes a great deal of commitment and a great deal of wisdom, and a heck of a lot of work.
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
- Never take your partner for granted.
- Respect your partner.
- Never stop courting each other, go on dates, send a card or flowers, take time out to enjoy each day together.
- Love yourself first and your partner second. Loving yourself is key to finding happiness with your partner. Your partner deserves a special place in your heart and in your life and don’t ever forget that you chose them to be in your life for very good reasons.
- Keep falling in love. You will both change, you will grow older, more complacent, and you might even take your partner for granted. Don’t. See the beauty in your partner each day. Choose to be in love every moment.
- Focus on the best in your partner. It’s much the same as our positive thinking principles. Try to keep the negativity to a minimum. Try not to complain to others or even under your breath. OK, I know it’s not easy, but give it a try.
- Don’t try to “fix” your partner. You can forget it before you even start.
- Your emotions are your emotions alone. You are responsible for yourself and your own happiness. Your partner can enrich your life but they are not responsible for “making things right” for you.
- Don’t take yourself, your life, or your relationship to seriously. We all know it’s serious stuff – no need to beleaguer the point. Have fun. Be a bit silly.
- Keep learning about your partner. Find ways to please them and learn what makes them happy. It’s not that hard to do. It’s simply being nice, being considerate, knowing that your partner loves a cuddle, a bouquet of daisies, a candlelight dinner…you know what they want, don’t you?
- Your partner is a treasured person in your life. Show them. Don’t spend your time with them focusing on other people or doing your online networking. They are, after all, with you as opposed to your 1,000 or more online friends.
- Be affectionate, be sexy, be warm. But don’t overdo it. Your partner should know you find them attractive 24 hours a day, 365 days a year without feeling pressured to constantly be available for your advances or cuddles.
- Give your partner space. No one wants to be smothered.
- Be willing to share. Share your feelings, your insecurities, your victories and your defeats. Your partner knows you are not perfect and if you are still together, they must love you for it.
- Keep growing together – make sure to talk about your dreams, goals and visions regularly. Have you forgotten about your dreams of visiting Paris or having a house in the country? Revisit and renew your dreams often.
- Don’t let money problems paralyze you but don’t bury your head in the sand either. Money is important. You need it to live, to eat, and to entertain yourselves. You both need to pull your weight. Awaken the entrepreneur within each of you to try to resolve persistent money problems. Try to set a budget and determine who is contributing what – and how the money you have jointly will be spent. Money cannot be a taboo subject.
- Don’t hold onto grudges or hold things over your partner’s head. It will drive both of you nuts. Let go of past hurts, but if there is a pattern, beware and don’t hesitate to block negative patterns.
There are some questions you may want to answer with your significant other(s) and others you may simply want to ask yourself. Relationships are not always easy and getting a grasp on how you feel and why you feel the way you do can have a great impact on evaluating your relationship and making it stronger.
To keep it simple, ask the following questions of each other. Go sit in a park, or discuss these things where there is no distraction. If you are distracted by every day chores, you are highly unlikely to get to the meat of the questions and answers.
- What is your favourite memory about our first meeting?
- What do you get out of me being in your life?
- If you were to describe what our relationship means to you, how would you describe it?
- What have you gained or learned from our relationship?
- What do you see as my strengths?
- What do you see as my weaknesses?
- What can I do to improve our relationship?
- What would be missing if we weren’t in each other’s lives?
There are a lot more questions you can ask yourself, whether you do it alone or with your partner, depends on you. I would suggest writing all the answers down and then sharing if you decide to share. Have your partner do the same.
- What did you like or love about your partner when your relationship first started?
- Do you still like what you originally loved about your partner and why?
- Are you happy with the intimacy you share?
- Are you positively affecting each other?
- How often do you laugh together?
- Do you like spending time with your partner’s friends and family?
- Do you smile when you relate something from your daily life with your partner?
- Can you recall the most romantic moment with this partner?
- Do you get each other’s feeling without the need to say anything?
- How do you show your love for each other?
- When was the last time you said “I love you” to your partner?
- Have you ever changed anything for your partner?
- How much do you think you understand your partner?
- Do you trust each other?
- Are you prone to jealousy?
- Do you both have the same goals for your relationship?
- Do you argue often and over what?
- Do you each forgive each other easily or do you hold grudges?
- Do you respect each other’s beliefs?
- When was the last time you had an in-depth conversation with your partner?
- Are you keeping any secrets that you’re afraid of letting your partner know?
- Do you think your partner’s friends and family like you?
- Do you feel that your partner accepts the way you are?
- Have you seen each other at your best and worst?
- Have you ever thought about breaking up with your partner and why?
- Are there more joyful moments than sad ones being together?
- What makes you happier in a relationship, sharing or sacrificing?
- If you could choose your partner again, would you choose the same person?
Choosing a life partner is one of the biggest decisions you will make in your life. Do not take it lightly. It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and not lost someone that is not good for you.
SEEBEDO Your Significant Other
SEE the relationship you want to have. See the person you want to be with.
BE sure you are totally certain of your partner and your commitment to the relationship.
DO what it takes to make the relationship work once you know your partner is the one for you.