How to Stop Worrying and Be Happier
“Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Is worry free living really possible? Dale Carnegie and other motivational speakers and writers seem to think so. Worry free living, sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? Living without worrying about your kids, job, money, health, the future would truly be wonderful, wouldn’t it? Worry is generally non-productive. It can give you insomnia, ulcers, depression, and enough anxiety to cripple you emotionally. We all worry to some extent; it is what we do with that worry that makes the difference.
The Serenity Prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference,” is used in 12 Step Groups the world over, and it is always good to keep in mind. As a natural born worrier, I repeat it often, not that it actually stops me worrying, but it does put things in a bit more perspective for me.
Most of the time worries are unfounded, they are niggling mites that eat at you and sap your energy and attack your confidence. Jesus asks, “Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?” Mark Twain said, “I am an old man and I have known a great many troubles but most of them never happened.”
I could go on and on here with quotes from religious leaders, proverbs, great thinkers and writers about the uselessness of worry. Even thinking and writing about the uselessness of worrying I worry, it is in our nature.
That we should be victims of any thought that happens to enter our minds is admitting to absolute powerlessness. If you are kept awake all night worrying about something, and feel you have no control over it, you will always be a victim. The image of awful things to come needs to be shut down and expelled from your mind. If you have a pebble in your shoe, you get rid of it, why not do the same thing with pervasive worries and fears? It should be as easy to get rid of worry as tossing that pebble out of your shoe. Until you are able to do that, to get rid of dysfunctional thoughts and worries, you will be a slave to worry.
“There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever.” —Mahatma Gandhi
Worry. So what? When you start to worry, ask yourself, “So what?” Most worries are only worth a so what. If you are carrying too many worries around, toss them out. So what if your party doesn’t go just right. So what if your friends don’t like your cooking. So what if you make a mistake in your presentation. So what if someone doesn’t like you or you can’t afford to buy the perfect gift. So what if it rains on your picnic or you catch a cold. This could go on and on. So what if you don’t like my list of so whats? What’s the worst that could happen?
There are a few simple steps you can take to reduce your worries and the time you devote to them. When you just can’t help worrying, try to make the worrying as productive as possible.
Productive Worrying Technique
- Set aside a time for worrying. Give yourself a designated time each day to worry, this alone seems comical to me. Do I really want to set aside twenty minutes each day to worry, is it worth it? This, in and of itself is a step toward realizing the worthlessness of worrying.
- When a worry pops into your head, write it down on a scrap of paper, is it even worth writing down?
- During your “worry appointment” with yourself, make your worry list; write down your worries and what you can do about them. If you can’t do anything about them, throw them out. Makes sense, doesn’t it?
- Ask yourself the following questions about each thing you are worrying about:
- What is the cause of the problem?
- Can I do anything about it? If you can’t, throw it out. If you can do something about it, then for God’s sake, do something about it, come up with a solution and follow through on your solution.
- Be honest with yourself, do you get something out of worrying, does it make you feel more righteous, more in touch, more important? Are you one of those people that says, “I just can’t help it, I worry about everything.” Are you a worry drama queen?
It is common advice to suggest that if you have worries, you should ask yourself “What is the worst that could happen?” This may work for some, but I suggest that if you can’t do anything about it, simply stop worrying about it, ruminating over the worst that could happen might make it worse; it might give you even more to worry about. If you start thinking about the worst that could happen, you are bound to come up with worst case scenarios that create their own worries.
If you can’t do anything about it, if you have no control over it, throw out the worry. Don’t waste any more time on it. If you can’t control it you have no right to worry about it!
If you are worried about flying, you don’t have the right to that worry, only the pilot has the right to worry. If you are worried about other people being unhappy, you have no right to that worry, it is their right to worry about their unhappiness, not yours.
The Worrier’s Bill of Rights
- Worrying is not a virtue, it doesn’t make me a better or more caring person.
- I only have the right to worry about things over which I have control.
- If I have control over something, I have the right to change it.
- If I have a worry I can change, I have the responsibility to either change it or decide that it isn’t worth the effort to change.
- If a problem isn’t worth the effort to change, it isn’t worth worrying about.
- If a problem deserves changing and I can change it, I need to determine what the solution to the problem is.
- If the solution is in my power to accomplish, I need to solve the problem.
- If the solution is not in my power, then it is not my problem and I don’t have the right to that worry.
- I cannot worry about things in the past. Unless I can rectify or change something that happened, I have no right to worry about it.
- I can only worry about things in the future if I have control over them.
- If I have control over something, I don’t need to worry about it, I only need to exercise my control, come up with a solution and work the solution.
- If the solution to my problem does not work, I can only worry about my problems insofar as I can come up with another solution. If there is no solution, I have no right to worry.
- I have the right to do things that are productive, to keep myself busy and engaged in productive and positive activities and to stop worrying.
- I do not have the right to devote time that could be productive to worrying about things I cannot control or change
- I have the right to share my worries, to speak about them with friends and families.
- If I am afraid to share my worries with others, I have no right to keep those worries.
The worry that cannot be spoken, that cannot be shared, turns to guilt, or even greater worries and fears. The worry that cannot be given up turns to sickness, depression, and other nasty things that create even more worries and fears. If you are unwilling to share your worries with someone else because you are embarrassed or uncomfortable about sharing your worries, then it stands to reason that you should probably dispense with the worry. If it is too embarrassing to talk about, then it is not worth holding onto.
As I was growing up my mother used to tell me, “Idle hands are the devil’s playground,” and she would give me some task to do so I would stop moping or pouting. Keeping busy may be an antidote to worrying. If you are busy doing something your focus is on the task at home and it is difficult to concentrate on two things at once. The problem with busying yourself is that the minute you stop busying yourself you start worrying again unless you are willing to truly let go of your worries.
One of the basic tenets of the Law of Attraction is that you are what you think. If you are what you think and what you think about is all your worries, oops, that really sucks. You don’t want to be a train wreck, do you? So stop worrying. Now you are probably worrying about worrying. It is a vicious cycle.
It is not possible, for most of us, to dispense with all our worries. It is what we do with them that counts. Once you have determined the worries that you can actually deal with and the problems you can solve or situations you can change, you can move forward and make positive changes in your life.
When you are faced a worry or problem, you can follow a simple four step process to resolve it.
- Determine the root cause of the worry. Are you worried about money, job, love, health? Whatever the worry is, try to be specific about it.
- Come up with a possible solution.
- Work the solution.
- Solve the problem.
A smile is a frown turned upside down. So it is with worry, if you are worried about something, then transform that worry into a goal or affirmation:
- I am not worried about money, I have a goal to make a certain amount of money, I have a plan to reach that goal. I will work my plan to reach my goal.
- I am not worried about my health; I am exercising and eating well so I have no reason to worry about my health.
- I am not worried about my relationships, I am treating myself and others with respect and love and that will result in others respecting and loving me.
- I am not worried about the weather, about natural disasters, about things I have no control over as it is a waste of time and energy and I have other things that are more important to think about and do.
Turn your worries into positives. Worries that you can deal with, that you have actual control over can positively impact your life. Take control of your worries and use them to create actionable goals.
SEEBEDO Your Worries
SEE where your worries are coming from and determine whether they are based in reality or not.
BE cognizant of how often you worry and what you worry about. Be fearless about taking on the things you worry about.
DO stop worrying about things you cannot change and change the things you can.